It seems a lifetime ago that I peered down my nose as I watched all of my co-workers hypnotically switch their computer screens to that popular game the moment lunch time came. I vividly remember 'tsk-tsk-ing" as I went about my lunchtime routine of worthwhile activities such as facebooking and pinning on Pinterest. "What a waste of time", I thought to myself as I drop-kicked request after annoying Candy Crush request into the cyberspace abyss while they congratulated one another, conspired to send one another lives, and foamed at the mouth about their latest boosters. As Eve was to the apple, I was repulsed, yet intrigued.
And so it went, day after day as I received countless requests ranging from desperate pleas for lives to out and out invitations to join those who have chosen to drink the Candy Crush Kool-Aid. I knew how Sam I Am felt:
Not online; not on an app
I do not play Candy Crush
So quit flapping your yap.
You friends of mine, you friends of mine,
I've told you all for the very last time
I do not like Candy Crush, it's true
Send one more request and I'll defriend you!
I was getting rather testy about it. Of course I could have blocked the requests from coming in, I suppose, but that took effort on my part, and quite frankly, I guess, I just didn't feel that I should have to expend any of my own to put a stop to this. Plus, it gave me something to bitch about in the form of some facebook posts.
And then, as a virus attacks it's weakened host, so did this insidious game. I found myself in a rather bad mood at the computer one night last weekend. My children were gone, I found myself alone. On the computer. With wine.
Opportunity knocked.
"So-and-so has invited you to play Candy Crush Saga". Well, well, well.....what do we have here? What a surprise-another request to play Candy Crush. I took a sip of my chardonnay. I hovered the cursor over the request. I took another sip. I clicked on it.
Spill the wine; clear that jelly.
To be honest, I cleared the first two levels pretty quickly and lost interest in it just as quickly. I logged off and found something else to do. I may have just gone to bed. The next morning on facebook, I noticed a notification from a friend to a post I had written just two days before poking fun at the whole Candy Crush thing. She went on to tell me that while she was playing, scores for players who previously played came up and lo and behold! There was my name. She was poking fun at me, I'm sure, but now I felt like the ultimate hypocrite. I went rapidly into damage control mode. If she saw my name, EVERYONE who sends me requests and I offended about it in my post saw it, too. I wrote her back, doing my dead-level best to let her know I just wanted to see what the buzz was about. I played a couple levels, so what? I haven't ventured back on. Get off my back. I then felt it needed to be said to everyone, so I posted on my timeline about my Candy Crush experience, and how I must be of a stronger constitution than most, as I had absolutely no inclination to play again. There. I no sooner posted that confession and absolution, than the notifications started showing up. "So and so has sent you a life on Candy Crush". Gaaaahhhhhhh!
Several days later, I found myself again without children and a bit of free time. I got online, paid some bills, read and answered a few emails, and got onto my facebook. The first item on my feed was an item shared by one of the myriad of "Crush Heads" in my inner circle. "So and so has just cleared level 26 on Candy Crush Saga". Big deal. I posted something myself, and uploaded several pictures from my daughter's band competition the previous weekend, and busied myself. I have no explanation of what transpired after that time, all that I can tell you is that I was overtaken with an overpowering urge to see if I, I, could get to level three. "I'll just get on, see how fast I can do it, and get off", I said to myself.
And so, I cleared level three. And four, five and six. I was really good. But, it's time to stop. Just one more, let's just clear lucky level number seven and THAT'S IT FOR TODAY. This is where I ran into trouble. I didn't pass level seven. I clicked on to "Play Again", but it wouldn't let me, not without putting up bank, anyway. What? What do you mean I can't play? The timer clicked the seconds down. I had 28:57 until I could attempt this again. "Okay, OKAY.....I'm calling bullshit on this right now!", I said I believe out loud to the computer screen. What do I do? What do I do?
Well, golly gosh gee willikers, there must be someone online right now that knows what to do. I decided to put it out for all my facebook peeps to see and get the message out. "Hey! I guess I need a life to continue playing Candy Crush. Can someone send me one? Thanks!" I sat back and waited. It wasn't long before a notification came back. A friend sent me a life! I also noticed she commented on the post. "Welcome to the darkside, LOL" I'm alive! I live to clear another level!
And so it has gone for one week, now.
I am ashamed to say that I spent nearly an entire Saturday that could have been immensely productive clearing virtual jelly and bringing ingredients down level by level. My eleven-year-old felt ignored. "Can we have lunch, Mommy?" I suppose. I ran out of my last life on this level and I have 23:16 until I can play again. I loaded her in the car and drove a mile to a car dealership up the road that had a radio stations promotional hotdog wagon there. I screeched in on two wheels, got her a free lunch and sped home just in time to claim a new life. I am despicable.
I am now on level 23. I'm stuck. I can't clear that bastard no matter how hard I try. What exactly is the lure of this? There are similar games, but what is it about Candy Crush? Is it the large, icons for the vision challenged? Is it the lilting "Oom Pah Pah" tune that accompanies it? Is it the pseudo-sexy male voice purring "Sweet!" "Divine" "Sugar CRUSH!"? Who knows, but I'm losing interest in my appearance, I'm eating like crap, and I'm not flossing as often as I should, all because of THIS.
"My name is Sheila.....and I play Candy Crush"
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